She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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