I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
