so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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