Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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