I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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