I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
