I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
