I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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