I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
