I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
