Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Randomize
