We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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