I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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