The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
