I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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