i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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