Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Randomize
