Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
