I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
i now understand why vodka
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Randomize
