look no pants
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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