I can tuck mytits in my pants
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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