I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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