Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Randomize
