Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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