dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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