He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
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