one might say we're banned from that church
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
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