dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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