i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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