His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
