Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Randomize
