Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I feel like a drive thru vagina
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
