I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
