Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
