My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Randomize