You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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