Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
