I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Randomize