A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
