Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
