im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Randomize
