Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
