do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
