There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
