You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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