wanna go halves on a baby?
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
