You really coming over, don't trick.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
