i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
