What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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