i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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