mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
