i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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