He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
