dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
