the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Randomize
