wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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