How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize