she was so not down for the gang bang
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize