nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize