Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
