I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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