i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
