Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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