And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
