I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
