I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
